Stupid In Love
by kashudoreineko
Summary: Varric eventually would comment: "I thought people in love were supposed to be stupid happy – not just stupid." But pride, fear, & self-sacrifice have been keeping Hawke & Fenris apart. Will it be so forever? Please review!  fHawke x Fenris
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 1

The Wounded Coast provided a breathtaking view that morning, the sun sneaking over the horizon, painting the sky in a swirled wash of fuschia, orange, and violet. The wrecked ships' masts peaking through the crashing waves appeared as skeletons, warning the uncautious of the dangers that lurked everywhere here in the Free Marches, just below the surface of all things.

Yet the sight looked beautifully poignant to Hawke as she gazed. It had not been so long ago that she got her first glimpse of these Free Marches on her trip from Ferelden, escaping the Blight. It was amazing the beauty that could be found, everywhere you looked, if you simply bothered to look for it. It dumbfounded her sometimes how many people steadfastly refused to see it, even when it was staring them right in their face.

Shaking her head at her own futile thinking, she turned around to find Aveline smirking at her.

"A- Aveline. I… didn't realize you were so close behind me."

"No. I don't imagine you did," she chuckled at her friend's reaction. "You have been in another place for most of this patrol." She paused before continuing, "Thank you for joining me, by the way. I know it's not your responsibility, but it's nice to be able to count on you as backup. That last round of the flu really struck the guard hard. All those who didn't catch it have been working double and even triple shifts. They needed a break, and we simply don't have enough people to cover when things like this happen. …But don't worry, I'm not going to ask you to join the guard again. I know you need more freedom than a regular job can provide."

Hawke smiled. "Well, you never know when the next interesting opportunity will arise. I wouldn't want to miss it due to an obligation. You know how I hate letting people down." Aveline merely smiled and nodded.

They continued walking for a few moments in silence before Aveline spoke.

"So… Fenris certainly is an interesting person, isn't he?"

Hawke's eyes darted quickly toward the Captain of the Guard in surprise, but at the look of nonchalance on her friend's face, she simply looked straight ahead again as she replied, "He's had an interesting life. I certainly don't envy him." They walked a few more paces and began speaking again. "To grow up in a place where people can be viewed as possessions – it… it makes me sick. Physically sick."

Her motions became more animated as she continued. "I mean, how can anyone live like that. People are people! They're not THINGS! You can't OWN them. It makes me so angry. If I could, I'd kill every slaver there was. But first, I'd like to show them exactly what it feels like to have your humanity stolen from you, show them first hand-"

Aveline interrupted, "You don't mean that, Hawke."

She paused for a moment and scowled. "No. I don't." She sighed. "But I wouldn't mind killing them, I'll tell you that."

Aveline grimaced as she nodded. "Yes. I can't say I don't feel the same." After a pause she glanced slyly at her friend and said, "That certainly was an impassioned speech. But then, Fenris does seem to bring that out in you."

The Captain of the Guard had a hard time not snickering as she witnessed her friend sputter in denial. "Wha- Whatever do you mean, Aveline?"

Finally she gave in and chuckled. "Come now, Hawke. It's obvious that you're smitten."

Hawke stood up proudly and said, "I have a great deal of respect for Fenris. He's overcome incredible odds."

"And that's why you've completely stopped flirting with anyone else since almost the day you met him. This is ME, Hawke. I've known you longer than anyone else in this city. You used to be an incorrigible flirt. Heck, you even flirted with ME a few times. Then, nothing. At first I just thought you'd come down with a cold or something. But the way you look at him when you don't think anyone else is watching – it's clear that you've been hit pretty hard." She held up a hand to forestall the response she saw coming, "No, don't worry. No one else has noticed. Just me. And just because I know you so well."

The hero swelled up for a moment, looking like she was about to argue the point, but then she slowly deflated as Aveline watched. "Well, I'm glad that at least no one else has to see me make an idiot out of myself."

"I'd hardly say you were making an idiot of yourself."

Hawke snorted in self-deprecation. "Really? Then it's intelligent to fall this hard for someone who obviously will never have anything other than a grudging respect for me? Not that I blame him. I come from a family of mages. Mages hold all the power in Tevinter, and they abuse it. If there are any mages who use their power responsibly there, they're most likely crushed by those who have no compunction or mercy. In that society, with mages who don't see anyone as worthy of anything except themselves, it's no surprise that he could never see past that in me. Even knowing that, I…

"Aaargh! I feel like I'm insane! Honestly. It has to be insanity. There is no other explanation that makes sense. From the moment he walked down those steps in the Alienage…"

She paused and took a deep slow breath before continuing more quietly. "Aveline, the first time you ever saw Wesley, how… did you feel?"

"The first time I saw Wesley?" Aveline's voice was soft. "I actually didn't even notice him. He was just another Templar. Why? How did you feel when you first saw Fenris?"

They were continuing to walk as they talked, and at this inquiry, Hawke continued in silence for several moments. Finally she stopped and closed her eyes. "I felt like if I took my eyes off him for one second, he'd disappear and I'd miss the most amazing moment of my life – I'd miss it and never get it back. Like there was no where else on this entire earth that I was meant to be, but right there, yet if I blinked, it would be gone and I'd spend the rest of my life regretting the loss."

Eyes still closed, she shook her head, as if she were almost wishing she could negate the veracity of her words, or knowing that she never could, that they would remain true regardless; she continued, "I can remember every detail with perfect clarity – the sound of the wind rustling the leaves in the tree behind me, the blood dripping from the lieutenant that had just fallen. The way the light from the torch to his left reflected in his hair, like burnished gold, and when he turned his head, it turned to perfect silver. The glow on his markings and the sound as his hand phased right through that slaver captain's chest. His gasping fearful breaths. The way my own heart wouldn't seem to slow down. Every single detail." She looked out across the sea again. "They're burned into my memory as surely as those markings were burned into Fenris' flesh."

Aveline rested one hand on her friend's shoulder, but could think of nothing to say.

"It wouldn't be so difficult if it weren't for how now, when he's not around, everything feels unfinished, incomplete. Like there's a hole in my stomach." Eyes closed, she placed a hand against her own stomach as if trying to keep things in, "I think I could lose an arm or a leg and not have it bother me as much. When he's near me, I feel the most satisfied and content I can ever remember feeling. But I also feel like I'm running from an entire horde of darkspawn. I don't know how I can feel both those things at once. I can't stop thinking about him."

Shaking her head, Aveline whispered, "I take it back. You're hiding how you feel remarkably well. I mean, I knew you felt something for him, but you're really head over heels, aren't you?"

Breathing out a self-deprecating laugh, Hawke said, "Seems that way. I tried to convince myself that I just enjoyed debating with him – steel sharpening steel. But the day I walked in on Isabela flirting with him in his study, I couldn't deny it anymore." She gave a wry look as she explained, "It took all my self control to not grab her by the hair and throw her down the stairs."

Aveline couldn't hold back a laugh. "I'd have paid to see THAT!"

"Yes, well…" she paused and looked sheepish. "Don't tell anyone, okay? I don't want anyone else to know how pathetic I am, falling in love with the one man who I know will never love me back."

"Hawke, you **don't** know that."

Placing a hand gently on the older woman's arm, Hawke said, "It's okay, Aveline. At least I'm useful to him – back up in case Denarius ever shows up. I actually hope he does: I won't mind killing Denarius as dead as it is possible to be. Deader if I can manage it. Until then… It's not like there's anywhere else I want to be. It is enough."

"Hawke. You know I'm always here for you if you need anything."

Smiling, the champion gripped Aveline's forearm companionably. "Well, I think I'm done feeling sorry for myself. Let's finish this patrol, eh?"


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 2

(Takes place shortly after the confrontation with Hadriana.)

"What do you want?" Fenris voice barked out at the dwarf at his door.

Proffering a bottle which appeared to be finely aged wine, Varric responded, "I know it's been a tough day, elf, but there's an old saying – don't bite the hand that feeds you. I bring mead."

With a look of chagrin, the elf opened the door to allow his diminutive friend entry. "I… apologize. Please come in."

They worked their way up to the study and Fenris opened the wine, poured them each a glass. They sat in silence, drinking the honey wine and staring into the fire.

"At first I was going to bring something drier, but after today, I thought something sweet was more appropriate." He contemplated the amber beverage in his glass and explained, "Just in case the revenge wasn't as sweet as you thought it would be, you could at least have some sweet wine."

Chuckling, Fenris replied, "I appreciate the thought."

They sipped in silence for a few more moments before Varric spoke again. "May I ask you a question?"

"If I said no, would that stop you?" he replied, with a smirk that showed this was intended as friendly banter.

Snorting, Varric continued, "Is it because I'm a dwarf?"

With a puzzled expression, the elf replied, "What?"

"You let me into your mansion. You sit here drinking with me. I believe you even consider me a friend. I just want to know if it's because I'm a dwarf. Because you know that I can't have magic."

"I…" He dropped off, suddenly self-conscious and contemplative. "I had not considered that before." He sipped his wine. "I suppose there is a level of comfort knowing that there is no way you could use magic against me. But I prefer to think that it's your witty banter that puts me at ease."

Varric nodded, "Okay. Witty banter. Good." He glanced sideways at his compatriot and said, "Then… the reason you snapped at Hawke when she tried to talk to you after THAT was because…"

"That was completely different," Fenris stated, glancing away.

"Why? I'm your friend. She's your friend. We both just want you to know we're here for you. How is it different?"

There was no reply. The elf simply scowled into his wine.

"Do me a favor, huh? Go talk to her. She's really worried about you." He gestured with his glass. "You may not know it, but she tends to worry herself sick about those she cares about. Doesn't usually give a crap about her own needs, but she'd work herself into a grave trying to help a friend."

"I know," he whispered, looking ashamed. "That's the problem."

"Huh?" Varric replied, confused.

"I promise. I'll…" he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I'll go see her."


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 3

"You are drinking much more than normal, my friend."

Fenris glared between swigs from the bottle of wine he held firmly in his grasp. Six empty bottles littered the table where he was sitting.

"At least tell me whether we're celebrating so I can join in or commiserating so I can prepare to drag your drunk ass home later," the dwarf commented.

"You don't need to bother worrying about getting me home. I'm hoping that I'll appear drunk enough that someone will actually try to jump me on the way. I'm in the mood to kill someone deserving."

"Keep drinking like that, and you won't be in any state to stop them from finishing you off and looting your corpse." Varric mused. "But seriously, what's got you in such a state anyway? I sense a story here, and you know I can't let THAT go."

The warrior elf sighed and closed his eyes. No. Stories were Varric's lifeblood. He wouldn't stop until he heard the whole story. Sighing again, he commented, "I'm a fool."

Cocking his head to the side, the beardless dwarf replied, "O…kay. If you say so. I'm not about to contradict you when you're so emphatic, you know. But I highly doubt foolishness is enough to take you from brooding to suicidal. So what's the deal?"

"I had thought that I was immune to fear. But I was wrong, Varric. I was wrong." He upended the bottle and drank it to the dregs, then raised his hand to request another bottle.

"The elf that single-handedly escaped the Tevinter Imperium, bravely standing up to every bounty hunter that comes to attempt to steal him back? What on earth could frighten you?"

A look of despair crossed his face and he dropped his head onto his folded arms on the tabletop. Muffled by the table and his sleeves, the word "Hawke," could be softly heard.

Eyebrows raised, Varric couldn't help the exclamation of surprise. "Hawke? Why on earth would you be scared of Hawke? She's only scary to darkspawn, slavers, blood mages, and other monsters. She's like a certified good guy. It's what she does, who she is. So unless you've taken to kicking puppies in your off hours, I can't imagine how…"

Groaning, Fenris shook his head, but did not raise it from his arms. "Where's that bottle of wine?" he groused.

Sitting up straight, the dwarf thought his eyebrows may have just shot up over the top of his head as the flash of insight suddenly made things clear. It explained why he snapped at her after Hadriana's death – and so much more. "Oh. …OH! …I hadn't… Wow. You… Wow. So… Um… What happened?"

He raised his head as he heard the waitress drop the bottle on the table for him. He reached for the bottle, but Varric had snatched it away, giving him a look that said, "Speak and you'll get it back. Keep quiet and I'll make you miserable."

Sighing and closing his eyes, hand still outstretched for the bottle, Fenris said, "I… We…" He blushed and turned away. "And then, I left."

Varric stared at him, dumbfounded, and Fenris snatched the bottle, drinking from it soundly. "So, you… and Hawke…? And then, you left?"

Without ceasing his drinking, the elf nodded, eyes closed again in shame.

Complete disbelief in his voice, Varric exclaimed, "Why?" Then he shook his head and tried again. "I mean, I'm a dwarf, and she's not exactly even my type, but if I ever got her into MY bed… you LEFT?"

Finally pulling the bottle away from his lips, he muttered, "I… was selfish. I just wanted a moment of happiness. But then, when I had it, I wanted more. I wanted… her. All of her. Forever."

Varric's brow was furrowed and he blinked at the elf as if he were insane.

"In that one moment, I wanted to tie her up, hide her away from everyone else. Keep her to myself. So, I had to leave." He looked at his diminutive friend despairingly. "Don't you see? She's beautiful and free. She deserves… so much more. I could never be worthy of even that one moment of happiness she gave me. Denarius will come for me. If she is tied to me… I just want her to be free."

Wonderingly, Varric whispered, "You're in love with her."

He took another swig and closed his eyes, sadness painting his features, and utter despair. "I am not worthy of her."

"My friend, I don't think love worries about who's worthy of whom."

"Perhaps not. But I do. Besides – a woman like that, she could be with anyone she wanted. Staying by her side, seeing her happy with someone else, that will be my punishment. A fitting one for ever wishing her to be bound. She is no slave. To me or anyone."

"Maybe you've never heard this before, but love, it binds and frees at the same time. It enslaves you and sets you freer than you've ever been. I don't think someone who loves you would mind being bound to you – that's what love does. Did you ever think she might actually enjoy being with you? She did choose you for her bed, after all – that's not something to take lightly."

Shaking his head, he replied, "I left. I ran away. Told her making love had brought back memories of my past life, and that losing them again afterwards was just too painful. It **did** happen, it **was** painful, but…" He drank some more. "I'm just Danarius' runaway pet. A coward. And running away seems to be what I do best. She deserves better."

"Oh, elf." Varric set to watching his friend become plastered. There truly wasn't much else he could do.


	4. Chapter 4

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 4

"I'm sorry Guard Captain, but Messere Hawke is… a bit indisposed right now." The former merchant tried to block Aveline's progress at the door.

"Bodahn, she hasn't left the house in two days. Not since Donnic and I brought her back from that night at the Hanged Man. And she was already on her way to drunk when she got there. Something happened, and I need to know what's wrong."

At that moment, a slurred voice called over the balcony, "Bodaaahhhn. This bottle got all empty!" And then the bottle dropped to the floor, shattering everywhere.

"Boom!" called Sandal, clapping his hands excitedly.

Sighing, the dwarf said, "I better go get a broom. If you wouldn't mind, could you bring her up a bottle of… something. Anything. I just don't want her trying to come down the stairs again. Last time she tripped and nearly broke her neck."

"Has she been drunk this whole time?"

"She's been drinking or passed out ever since that white-haired elf left here four days ago."

"Oh, Maker," she breathed and brushed past the dwarf, grabbing the bottle to take with her along the way. She might need it as a bribe. Or for herself.

When she got to the top of the stairs, she found Hawke, still in her underwear, holding an amulet shaped like a wolf howling at the moon in her hands, staring at it and stroking it lovingly. "Hawke?"

The champion looked up drunkenly. "Aveline. Oh, and a bottle. Will you drink with me?"

The Captain sat down next to her and pulled her over so that the girl's head was on her shoulder, wrapped an arm around her companionably. "Hawke, will you talk to me?"

"Aveline," she sighed. "Maybe you can help me decide: I'm trying to decide if I want to remember or forget."

A deep breath and she closed her eyes. "I want to always remember." She touched her lips. "But if I forget, everything will be back to how it was and no one will ever ever know and maybe he'll still stay." She opened her eyes and stared off into space. "I don't want to forget. But I don't know if I can take it when I remember." And then, she started to cry.

"Oh, Hawke."

Sniffling, she mumbled, "He thought being with me would give him a moment of happiness. But it only brought him pain. I was so happy, and all I brought him was pain, Aveline." She continued to cry. "Why do I only end up hurting those I love? My mother blamed me for Carver, for Bethany. And I couldn't even save her from that madman." She grasped the front of Aveline's tunic. "I was stupid for thinking he could ever love me, wasn't I? I knew he couldn't. I told you that three years ago."

"Hawke." She rocked her friend in her arms.

They sat like that for quite a while as Hawke cried herself out. When her tears dried, she pulled out of the Captain's arms and sat up, visibly trying to get herself together. She smiled apologetically at her. "I'm okay, Aveline. I'm fine. I'll be fine by tomorrow. I just… wanted to let myself feel sad for a bit." She winked conspiratorially. "It's not like I didn't already know I was destined to be alone. No big deal."

And with those words, she passed out.

Gently, the Captain of the Guard picked her friend up and carried her into her bed, tucking her in securely. Then she went to hide all the alcohol and inform Bodahn that if he let her have even a single ounce of alcohol within the next 24 hours, she'd make sure he was arrested for… something.

Honestly. What on earth had Fenris been thinking? She had half a mind to go beat the tar out of him. But… then he'd know how Hawke felt. And she was sure Hawke wouldn't appreciate that.


	5. Chapter 5

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 5

"What did you do to Hawke?"

His deep brooding interrupted, Fenris glanced over at the Dalish pariah who had spoken. She had spoken softly enough to ensure that Hawke and Aveline, who were walking ahead of them in the marketplace, would not have been able to hear the conversation over the noise of the Lowtown bazaar. Discretion was not normally part of Merrill's make-up, so that fact alone gave him pause. It was odd. Still, it wasn't anything he wanted to talk about. Especially not to her.

One eyebrow raised in an is-this-really-any-of-your-concern manner, he replied with a expelled breath of discontent and then looked away, determined to ignore her.

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, Fenris," she continued undeterred. He should have known better than to expect her to realize his response meant he refused to discuss this. The girl was completely lacking in social skills and criminally naïve. Literally. "I know you must have done something. I've never seen her looking so sad – and you! You've been crankier than normal all day. So what did you do to her?"

Again he remained silent, shaking his head in negation – to express that he'd done nothing, that he was exasperated with the elf beyond the capacity for speech, or that he just flat out refused to respond. Or perhaps a mix of all three. It was difficult to say with the taciturn ex-slave.

Exhaling loudly in irritation, Merrill continued, "Ignore me if you like, but if I find out that you HAVE done something to her – if you've hurt her in any way – I will find a way to do something about it!"

That got his attention. He looked over his shoulder at her and responded dryly, "Really. Well, that's a change: you caring about something other than your own selfish wishes? Perhaps I should mark this day down on a calendar."

"Gah!" she exclaimed in exasperation and stomped off.

Fenris nodded to himself as she walked away. He did not want to lie about what had happened between himself and the beautiful human whom they all followed. It was too important to lie about. So he intended to keep silent.

The fact was, just thinking about Hawke hurt. Hurt his heart. Made him ache. It was a month later, and he couldn't imagine that this pain would ever go away.

He would stay by her side as a friend. The pain of being so near and not able to feel her touch again was a fitting punishment.

His pensive musings were interrupted momentarily as they reached Merrill's home and dropped her off. The three of them, Hawke, Aveline, and Fenris, all lived in Hightown, so it made sense for them to walk Merrill to her home in Lowtown, to assure she didn't encounter anything bad. Like thugs. Or Templars.

The typical routine was then to drop Hawke off, and then Aveline and Fenris would go their separate ways. Tonight, however, Hawke broke off almost immediately after they'd exited the Alienage, claiming she needed to go meet Varric, as she'd been promising for weeks to join him for drinks, cards, and tall tales. She truly was a terrible liar – it was obvious that something was bothering her. After all, even Merrill had noticed. But they let her go without comment.

With a sigh that was half relief, half regret, the former slave returned to his pointless contemplations, heading toward that empty shell that he used as a house. Aveline and Varric often tried to convince him to move elsewhere, but he always refused. He appreciated the symbolism: the house truly was a match for him.


	6. Chapter 6

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 6

A week passed. Then two. Then two months. Then a year. Then three.

He had fallen into a pattern of familiar banter with Hawke. It was almost as if things had returned to the way they were before Hadriana… before Hawke had allowed him to touch her and he had, and then walked away…

He wore a red band on his sleeve. It was stupid of him to do so, after he had left her, but he wanted to do something to show her that although she deserved better than what he had to offer, that he wished it were different. And so, he wore her crest to show that he would remain dedicated to her. He was fairly certain she didn't know what it meant – which was probably why he did it.

She had no way of knowing how much of his soul already belonged solely to her. There would never be another for him – allowing anyone else to touch him as she had would cheapen it. But in spite of the fact that his cowardice had caused him to run, he intended to honor her in this way until the day he died.

Which, judging from the events that had been transpiring recently, could be any day now.

And now…

His life had changed so much. Staying beside Hawke, he had finally been able to accomplish what he had almost never really believed possible. He had slain Denarius. He was finally free.

His sister yet lived – he had not exterminated her as a betrayer, although he'd wanted to. Hawke had talked him out of it. And then, he'd found out that what he'd suspected all along was in fact true.

He was responsible for all of his own suffering. He had asked for the markings – so that he could use the boon to free his mother and sister, true. But had that really done them any good? Varenia would have you think otherwise, but she had been free for so long now that maybe she didn't truly understand what it was like being a slave any more.

He felt alone. And dirty.

Magic had ruined him.

But he knew the truth: it wasn't magic that was to blame. It was himself.

Worse yet, when he said it aloud, "I am alone," she had instantly responded with, "I'm here, Fenris." He wanted nothing more than to hold her at that moment. But then, would he ruin her, too?

He could not let that happen. Better to stay alone. Better to protect her from himself.

He had left them, headed home to – as Varric would put it – indulge in some world class brooding. The only good thing he'd ever found in his life had been Hawke. He would die before he allowed himself to destroy her the way he had destroyed his own life.


	7. Chapter 7

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 7

"You are a hypocrite and a fool."

Closing his eyes to shut out the sight of who was probably his least favorite person in the world – now that Denarius was dead – he inquired, "Did you come here just to tell me that, Anders? You could have saved yourself the trip – I don't really care what you think about me."

His expression disbelieving, he said, "Why do you stick around? Why do you stay here? You're free. Leave. Leave and let her move on! To someone who'll appreciate and love her."

"What are you talking about?"

"You took advantage of her – of her beautiful heart. She deserves better!"

Ah. He was talking about Hawke. He nodded. "For once, we may agree."

"How could you? How could you use her like that? She loves you and you-"

Fenris interrupted him as he started to rant, "Do not speak of things that you know nothing about, mage."

"Oh, I know about it. I know ALL about it. Do you even care about her? No. I don't imagine you do. You just see her as a descendant of a mage. Just someone you can screw once and then move on. You've been treated poorly so why care about anyone else. She's nothing but a quick fuck for you isn't she? You sicken me."

"GET OUT!" Fenris raged. "You know NOTHING about me! Nothing about how I feel – do not pretend you know ANYTHING about this! I would DIE for her! I-" he trailed off as he realized he'd said too much. "Just get out and leave me alone."

Anders' expression was disgusted, as he tossed a book at the elf, who snatched it quickly out of the air before it could smack him in the face. Then he called over his shoulder as he walked away, "You don't deserve her love. If she had chosen me, I would never have hurt her the way you have. Get your act together or I will kill you and ensure you can't hurt her ever again. She deserves better."

The elf looked at the book, and opened it to see a date, and then an entry written in the handwriting of the woman he loved.

Oh, Maker. This was her journal. He couldn't read this.

Had Anders? Anders had said…

It didn't matter. He couldn't. It would be a violation of her trust.

Had the mage read something in there that…?

He set the book aside and tried not to look at it.

In his head, he kept hearing Anders' voice. "If she had chosen me, I would never have hurt her the way you have. … You don't deserve her love. … How could you use her like that? She loves you and you- … If she had chosen me … You don't deserve her love. … She loves you. … She loves you."


	8. Chapter 8

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 8

"You know, usually, it's Donnic who joins me for a pint. What brings you by, Aveline?"

The Captain sighed. "I just couldn't stand listening to her anymore. Not without saying something I'd regret."

Laughing, Varric replied, "Hawke pissing you off? Is it Tuesday again?"

Taking a long draught from her ale, Aveline replied, "Actually, I'm more worried about her than pissed off. At this point, I'm about ready to go smack Fenris upside the head with a mace. Especially if I have to hear her defend him AGAIN! I mean, there is a limit, Varric, there has to be, to how much one is willing to overlook."

"Wait. I thought you liked Fenris."

"I do. But after what he did to her three years ago, it just breaks my heart every time she talks about him."

"Three years ago? You mean the night that…" He stopped quickly and his expression became guarded.

Aveline's eyes narrowed and she turned her full attention on him. "You knew what happened between them? And you didn't say anything?"

With a sigh, he replied, "It wasn't my place. I mean sure, he only made me swear not to tell Hawke, not you, but I wasn't about to betray his confidence – it's not like he has that many people he actually trusts." He chugged back the rest of his pint and waved for a new one.

"And their 'intimate' encounter apparently was a deeply profound experience for our former slave and virgin. I found him in here, more drunk than I think I've ever seen anyone. And more miserable than I'd ever seen even him."

Clenching her jaw, Aveline replied, "It's better than he deserves."

Varric's brows drew together in confusion. "What do you mean? He didn't do anything that terrible!"

Slamming her mug down, Aveline said, "He LEFT her! Slept with her and then left!"

"A lot of guys do that, Aveline. It's not a murdering offense. When I found him, he was so deep inside a barrel, I was afraid he wouldn't be able to crawl his way out. You know, Fenris told me he was **actually hoping** that someone would jump him on the way home – said he wanted to kill something deserving, but I think he was actually hoping someone would put him out of his misery."

Now it was Aveline's turn to look confused. "That doesn't make any sense. She was the one who got drunk that night – and stayed that way for three nights afterwards! Don't you remember her coming in her to play cards with you and Donnic? We had to carry her home."

Varric gave her a look of scorn. "I remember everything. She played with us, had a good time. That was the following night, and Fenris was still in bed that day with a hangover."

"That means he'd STOPPED drinking. She was just getting started. Just because she was here doesn't mean she wasn't hurting. I found her in her house two days later and she'd never stopped. If Bodahn hadn't been there watching over her, she probably would have killed herself falling down the stairs, she was so drunk. You think what he did meant nothing to her? He broke her heart. So don't you start defending him, too. He used her."

His eyes scrunched in thought. "I don't think it's that simple. And I don't think he was using her. I'm pretty sure leaving was the hardest thing he'd ever done – harder than escaping Denarius even."

Jaw tight, Aveline gritted out, "I find that hard to believe."

He sighed deeply. "Think about it. He's an escaped slave. He's never known anyone like Hawke before, never had a real friend. Certainly not one who'd be willing to share a night with him. When he realizes his feelings, he doesn't know what to make of it. I mean, she couldn't possibly be in it for more than kicks. But he – he wants to hold her, keep her, starts feeling jealous, looks at her beautiful face and suddenly realizes that if he could, he'd steal all her time, keep her just to himself. He wants her all to himself. In his mind, how different is that from keeping a slave? He hasn't had a chance to understand love at all – it's completely foreign to him. And even if this wasn't just a night of attraction for him anymore, his master could come to take him back and she could get hurt. He realizes in that moment that he loves her, and how selfish love is, and thinks that she deserves better. So he comes here, pours himself into a bottle, wishes he were dead a little bit, but resolves to stay as near her as possible so he can do whatever he can to see her happy. He was willing to leave the woman he loved to protect her. How can you blame him for that? It's not like she was in love with him or anything."

'Not like she was in love…' Aveline's expression grew guarded. "Varric, how much of what you're telling me did you actually hear from Fenris and how much is you embellishing?"

He looked mildly offended. "Please. If I was going to embellish, I'd have told the tale immediately so I could let it grow over time. Can you imagine how this tale would have grown with three years to let it properly ferment and age?"

Aveline shut her eyes and shook her head. Then pressed both hands over her face. "Oh, Maker. Varric, do you know why I came in here to drink? Because she just finished telling me how she's not surprised that he asked for those markings – that he fought for them. Because she's sure that the reason he did so was simply to get the boon to buy his mother and sister's freedom. She said, 'He may not be able to remember now, but I know it. Fenris fought and made sure he'd be a more valuable slave so he could purchase freedom for his family at the cost of ensuring he'd never be free himself. It is exactly something he would do.' And all I could think was, 'Why are you still defending him like that? After he left you sobbing and drunk for three whole days? You were a complete wreck, like I'd never seen you before. Not when you lost your brother, your sister, not when your mother died. How can you STILL love him so much when he's done nothing but hurt you?'"

"Wait. Hawke LOVES Fenris?"

"She's been in love with him since practically the first time they met! It would be adorably cute if it wasn't so horribly sad. But she thinks there's no way he could possibly feel the same. And when he left her three years ago, she became even more sure – and more determined that she'd stay by his side to support him, even if it meant she'd always be miserable and alone."

Varric looked stunned. Then angry. "What the hell is wrong with these two? Do they both have to be martyrs to love?"

"And now you see why I'm here."

Varric shook his head again, as if he were trying to clear his thoughts. "I thought people in love were supposed to be stupid happy – not just stupid."

Aveline took a deep draw from her mug. "So what do you think these two are going to do now – now that Fenris is finally free?"

Raising one brow, the dwarf commented, "If they keep true to form, he'll probably hole up in his dilapidated mansion and brood. And she'll probably kill some bad guys while saving the day for someone else."

Groaning, the Guard Captain shook her head.

"Oh, this is bloody ridiculous!" The exasperated exclamation made both Aveline and Varric jump.

"Sebastian!" Aveline exclaimed.

"If no one is going to do anything, then **I** will."

He stormed out of the Hanged Man. Aveline and Varric exchanged a look. "How much do you think he heard?" Varric asked.

"Enough, Varric. He heard enough."


	9. Chapter 9

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 9

He'd come across the book one day when he had gone over to read with Fenris. The Chant was good reading material, and he liked hearing the voice of the elf reading it aloud for practice. He'd been walking around the study as Fenris' voice filled the room, correcting pronunciation only when absolutely necessary. He knew the Chant of Light like the back of his hand. So he'd started wandering around, looking at what remained in this old mansion. He had to wonder which items were here before and which Fenris had brought in.

One book had a feather quill sticking out of it – as if he was using his writing utensil as a placeholder. He'd casually flipped through the book and saw it was a journal.

And then, the words on the page came clear to him:

_My disgust for myself knows no limits. I am no better than Denarius._

_I will never allow her to be made a slave to anyone as I was – not even myself._

_Not Hawke._

_Varric would not let me leave the Hanged Man last night. Insisted he would not stand by as I let myself be killed over love._

_He claims that I'm in love with her._

_I fear he may be right._

_Just one more reason to protect her from myself._

He had shut the book and pretended that he'd never seen it, turned his attention back to the Chant and tried not to think about the jealousy he felt, knowing that Fenris cared for her, too. In fact, he should be glad of it, shouldn't he? Hawke was remarkable. It did only make sense that others would see it, too.

He'd put the book out of his mind after that.

But when he heard Aveline and Varric talking, it came back to him.

He had been surprised by their conversation – and by the fact that they were so engrossed in their discussion that they hadn't even noticed when he'd come up and sat down at the table with them. He'd almost gotten back up when he heard Aveline's yell, "He LEFT her! Slept with her and then left!"

But Varric's response drew him back in. After all, he knew a little bit about how Fenris felt. Aveline claimed Hawke loved Fenris. All signs pointed to Fenris loving Hawke. Someone had to do something.

He'd stormed out. Made his way over to Fenris' place. As he climbed the stairs to the study, he heard, "GET OUT! You know NOTHING about me! Nothing about how I feel – do not pretend you know ANYTHING about this! I would DIE for her!"

Eyes popping wide, he wondered if someone had cast a spell of eavesdropping on him. Because he certain seemed to be overhearing things not intended for him tonight. Then again, maybe it was the work of the Maker, using him as His instrument to straighten his two friends out. Three years. It was about time.

Anders stormed past him, snarling as he went. Sebastian didn't think anything of it. The mage was clearly not worth his time. But when he entered the study, Fenris did not respond, even when he called his name.

Shrugging, Sebastian decided it was the Maker's will. He walked over, picked up the book, and walked back out, and the elf never even noticed he'd been there.


	10. Chapter 10

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 10

The knock on the front door was insistent. Pounding. Hawke was closest, so she got up to answer it. "I've got it!" she yelled to Bodahn, and then opened the door.

"Sebastian?"

He nodded at her and said, "I need you to do me a favor – and I need you to trust me enough to promise that you'll do it."

She raised one eyebrow and said, "You want me to just blindly promise to do something without knowing what it is I'm promising to do."

He smiled. "I know you're not stupid enough to make a promise like that. Not normally. But the Maker himself has set me on this path, and I vow by the Light that it is something that will harm no one. It is something that MUST be done."

She blinked. "Have you been drinking?"

He rolled his eyes. "No. I have not been drinking." He took a deep breath. "I'm asking you to trust me and promise to do this one small favor. You know I would not ask if it were not important."

His eyes were very sincere, and she could tell he truly believed this was a vital task. Shrugging, she said, "Okay. I promise I will do you a favor."

Smiling in relief, Sebastian thrust the book at her. "You need to read this. I know you. You'll probably start and then think you should stop. But don't. Read it. It's important." Hawke took the book, her expression befuddled.

The archer merely nodded and turned to leave. "Good," he said as he walked away. "Now, it is in the hands of the Maker."

Brow furrowed in curiousity, Hawke opened the front cover. The book was fairly non-descript, but when she opened it, she saw writing in a very deliberate hand. One that she recognized.

"Fenris," she breathed, as her eyes took in the script on the page.

She knew she should close the book, but she had promised, and her eyes had already taken in every word on the first page, and without realizing it, she was re-entering her house, turning the page, continuing to read.


	11. Chapter 11

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 11

Fenris' Journal

_I have been advised by Aveline that it will help in my ability to read, if I practice writing as well. She suggested that I write a journal of my thoughts. I can't imagine anyone will ever read this – who would be interested in the thoughts of a former slave. But if it will help improve my ability to read, I shall endeavor to try._

_X_

_Hawke came over again today to read with me. We ended up arguing again. It seems like we always argue about something when she's here. But it's friendly somehow. Today, she was talking about the Arishok – how she doesn't understand the Qun, how it forces people into a role and leaves no opportunity to better yourself. "What is the point of effort, if your efforts can never help you to succeed? If you remain the same, with no chance to improve yourself, why even bother?"_

_I told her that it is not quite like that. From my time among the Fog Warriors, I saw that the Qunari each have a role, and they can succeed or fail within that role. It is like a baker may bake delicious cakes or simply create food that keeps one alive without tasting pleasant. The baker has the choice to decide whether he wishes to be known for creating food that tastes excellent or food that merely sustains life._

_She nodded and replied that perhaps personal pride means more to Qunari than to us – and if so, she suspects it is to their advantage. _

_At every turn, this woman never fails to amaze me. She is beautiful, smart, and strong. She draws people to her and does not even realize it. I find myself wishing that I were a better person when she is around. I find myself striving to improve myself. She comes here to help me learn to read, and I work harder at it, wanting to impress her. Why do I want to impress her? Why is it so important to me? This woman who will stand toe to toe with me and claim that each individual needs to be judged independently, by their actions. By their integrity and heart._

_I find myself arguing more staunchly against mages just to see how she will refute me, what new argument she'll bring to me._

_She is by far the most compelling person I have ever met._

_X_

_Hawke came back today after an extended mission with Aveline. But she seemed upset. She showed up, then immediately left. I'm not sure why. After she left, I felt a disquiet that I couldn't understand. Isabela was here and she had the strangest expression on her face after Hawke left. She said that Hawke and I deserved each other – said we were both repressed and we'd both be a lot more pleasant to deal with if we just screwed each other and got it over with._

_Then, she asked if I was blushing from thinking about screwing her, or Hawke. I didn't respond, and she told me I was "cute". I don't think anyone has ever called me cute before in my life._

_I wonder what was upsetting Hawke._

_X_

_It is good to see that the Arishok recognizes exactly how exceptional Hawke truly is._

_We tracked down his thief, stopping a radical elf from sowing mayhem and attempting to turn people against the Qunari. It never ceases to amaze me, the actions of fanatics._

_Hawke blazed into the turmoil and demolished all the forces against her. _

_It is little wonder that she has the respect of the Arishok. She commands respect from all who meet her._

_X_

_I was drinking the last of the Aggregio Pavali when Hawke came by – just in time to celebrate the anniversary of my escape with me. I'd already had much of the bottle. I think it loosened my tongue. I told her that in honor of the special occasion, I'd tell her the story of my escape. _

_My shame at what I'd done to the Fog Warriors who had sheltered me, I hid nothing of it from her. I was expecting… I wasn't expecting her to understand._

_I wanted her to know exactly who I am. She is beautiful and unlike anyone I've ever met. I find myself thinking of her at inappropriate times. It is inappropriate. I am merely an escaped slave. I wanted her to know all my faults, the things I've done, the things I cannot forgive myself for. I think I expected her to cast me out. That would be better than wondering what she would do when she really got to know me._

_But again, she surprised me. I have never known a friend like her before. She hinted that we could potentially be more than friends – that she would be willing-_

_I'm not sure if she wanted to take me to bed or whether she wanted something deeper. If it's the latter, I would not saddle her with someone as unworthy as myself. I could not do that to her – not to her._

_If it is the former, it could be simply pity – her trying to comfort me as I wallowed in my past shame. And I could not stand that. _

_So I deferred for another time._

_And now, she is all that I can think about. I cannot take this. It is madness._

_I feel like my veins are on fire. They burn like the markings Denarius burned into my flesh. _

_Hawke, do you have any idea how deeply you affect me?_

_X_

_I have never felt more helpless in my entire life. Hawke's mother was murdered. By a filthy blood mage. I have never wished more that magic did not exist. The empty look on her face after her mother died in her arms. There was nothing I could do or say that would be sufficient. Anders or Aveline would have words that could comfort, I'm sure. I had none._

_I never want to see her look that way again. She looked lost._

_It felt so incredibly wrong: Hawke being lost._

_I think I would give up my freedom if I thought I could ensure you'd never look like that again._

_X_

_The bitch is dead._

_That leaves only Denarius._

_She would not be dead if I had not had Hawke's support. And in my anger, I turned on her. Said hurtful things._

_Why does she strive so hard to comfort me? Does she not realize how it makes me yearn for what I know I can never have?_

_Varric came by and asked me to go see her. He reminded me how much she worries about those for whom she cares. Does that mean she cares for me?_

_Why?_

_How?_

_Hawke, what is it that you want of me?_

_X_

_She has not come by in a week. Aveline said she is trying to show how much she trusts me by giving me space to work things out on my own._

_Every day that has passed where I have not seen her has caused my disquiet to grow._

_It is to the point where I can think of nothing else. Her laugh. Her eyes. Her strength._

_Why can I think of nothing but you?_

_X_

_I am worse than a fool._

_I never imagined that I could feel so… These wretched lyrium markings burned with a fury, yet it paled next to the fire of passion she ignites in me. _

_This woman. She was so caring and cautious, asking whether it hurt when she touched me. It hurt. And I never wanted her to stop. I told her it felt soothing and she declared that if so she'd kiss every single part. Oh, Maker. And then she did._

_I ache for her. _

_I do not deserve her._

_I wish to hide her away from everyone, keep her to myself. I would chain her to me and never let her leave. I am an abomination, wishing that upon her._

_Nothing else matters._

_I left her. She asked me not to go and I still left. I told her that in that moment, in that moment with her beneath me, all my memories came crashing back – and then disappeared before I could breathe. They did, and it tore at my soul. But I would gladly take that pain in trade for keeping her all to myself. _

_My disgust for myself knows no limits. I am no better than Denarius._

_I will never allow her to be made a slave to anyone as I was – not even myself._

_Not Hawke._

_Varric would not let me leave the Hanged Man last night. Insisted he would not stand by as I let myself be killed over love._

_He claims that I'm in love with her._

_I fear he may be right._

_Just one more reason to protect her from myself._

_X_

_Would that I could say I am relieved to find nothing has changed. _

_I feared that after that night, she would no longer wish me to be near._

_So I should be grateful that she is responding toward me exactly as she did before._

_Varric may be right – love makes no sense._

_I should be glad that she doesn't love me. It is beyond foolish that it hurts to see her smile at me exactly as before._

_But I already knew that I am a fool._

_X_

_I have begun discreet inquiries into the whereabouts of my sister._

_So far, the results have been less than satisfying. I do know that she is not a slave. That is a weight off my mind. I would hate to think that I had escaped and left her there to suffer. _

_It is likely foolish to pursue this. I am probably providing Denarius all he needs to find me. But I find that part of me hopes that he does, and comes here. This way, I will be able to face him at last. When that happens, only one of us will be left among the living._

_X_

_Something is upsetting Hawke. _

_I wish I knew what it was so I could kill it._

_Is that what love is?_

_X_

_Perhaps Hawke is right. It is not only mages who are fools for power._

_Fucking Isabela. I had thought she was merely distractible. But she may very well be the most selfish person I have ever met. _

_She could have brought the book back to the Arishok and saved countless lives. But instead, she ran like a coward, giving the book to some Tevinter smuggler._

_Her claim that her life was at stake is ridiculous. As if some smuggler were a worse threat to someone's safety than a Magister? And yet, I know that if Denarius were to show up here, he will cease to exist. I have no worries on that front. Even Denarius could not stand when faced with Hawke._

_And she would never leave a friend alone in the face of danger._

_Even friends as useless as Isabela and myself._

_Even the Arishok could not stand in single combat against her. She is matchless._

_If not, I would not have suggested she fight him. But I knew there was no way that the fierce woman I fell in love with could possibly fall to him._

_Isabela would have not had to run– if she had but shown an ounce of courage and an inkling of sense. _

_The city has been altered by the Qunari riots. The Arishok is dead by Hawke's hand. The land granted by the slain Viscount is barren._

_And she has been granted the title Champion of Kirkwall._

_Champion. She who defends._

_It is quite apt._

_X_

_Varania is not in Karinas. She left Magister Ahrimun's service. She is in Minrathous._

_Minrathous. Where Denarius is Magister._

_I sent her several letters – it took a lot of convincing to get her to respond. But I finally got to agree to come if I sent her the coin for the trip. I convinced her she could be a tailor here as easily as in Minrathous._

_And finally, she has agreed to come._

_What will she look like? _

_Will Denarius be with her? Is this all a trap?_

_There is no way to know. But when she arrives, one thing is for certain – everything in my life will change. Either I will have found my sister, and perhaps be able to recover some of my past, or I will have my confrontation with Denarius._

_Unlike Isabela, I will trust Hawke to stand beside me._

_I hope Denarius does come._

_He doesn't stand a chance._

X

Hawke closed the book and set it aside. When she reached up to her cheeks, she was surprised to find that they were wet. She hadn't even realized she'd been crying.

Fenris.


	12. Chapter 12

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 12

Sitting in his window seat again, Fenris found that he needed to expend significant energy to ignore the book lying on the shelf near him.

He found his eyes returning to it, staring as if it were a viper ready to strike.

The words kept repeating in Anders' annoying voice. "If she had chosen me…"

Was Anders implying that Hawke had chosen Fenris? Chosen how? They had had one night together, but it hadn't meant anything to her other than a fling. Had it?

"You don't deserve her love…"

That was most certainly true. But it implied that… "She loves you…"

How could she love him? He had ruined himself. He was alone as he deserved to be.

"I'm here, Fenris."

Hawke was the only good thing he'd ever found.

"How could you use her like that? She loves you." Anders had been offended by it all – as if he were in love with Hawke, and she had rejected him, chosen Fenris over him. But that couldn't be right. Maybe Anders had unrequited love for Hawke, but she… "She loves you- and you-"

He couldn't take it anymore. With a snarl, he grabbed the book off the shelf and opened it.


	13. Chapter 13

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 13

Hawke's Journal

_Today was an interesting day. A good day. We were able to kill many slavers. I don't typically relish killing, but when it comes to slavers, I'm very willing to make an exception. Something about the thought of one person holding that much power over another person's life – it's simply vile. _

_No matter how much we try, we cannot be responsible for another's actions. We can only be responsible for our own. It is how to truly measure a person's worth. Slavery runs completely counter to that._

_There are some that say it's a cultural thing. If I had grown up in Tevinter, I wouldn't feel this way. I don't want to believe that. I prefer to think that if I *had* grown up in Tevinter, that I would have gone out of my way to purchase as many slaves as possible, simply so that I could release them somewhere they could be free. _

_But of course, I know that would only be true if I still had my father teaching me every day that power is a responsibility, a burden. If you have power and use it irresponsibly, use it for your own selfish desires, it becomes a curse. On you and those you love. All those with power must struggle with how they will use it. Those who use it to serve others will find fulfillment, contentment, happiness. Those who use it for their own selfish gain will only find themselves longing for more and more power. It becomes an endless struggle, a desire that can never be fulfilled. People in positions of power who have not learned this lesson should be pitied as they're dispatched. That's what my father said. Only through sacrifice and humility can happiness be achieved._

_But it doesn't seem like anyone in Tevinter knows this._

_The slavers we killed were hunting a man who had escaped. Understandably, he had hired us under false pretenses to help him evade the trap they'd laid out for him. I know there are some who probably would have viewed the deception as something to demonstrate we should not trust him. But it would be unrealistic for someone being hunted to trust a total stranger. And for as ethereally handsome an elf as Fenris, there must be even added dangers in trusting people than the average human would encounter._

_When he first appeared, his appearance stole my breath. I couldn't look away. He walked into the Alienage, and I'm not sure I breathed from his first step until he said his name. Fenris. I've never experienced anything like that before. I could only stare. It was a strange situation. With his beauty and those markings that somehow make him seem both fierce and graceful, who wouldn't find themselves staring. Okay, I don't know if anyone else was staring like me. In fact, the only reason I know there was anyone else there is because I can remember the sound of their breathing around me. I simply couldn't take my eyes off him to notice anyone else._

_Oddly, he seemed surprised when I complimented him on his looks. Surely he must know how attractive he is. Cultures can't be so dramatically different that beauty is ignored just because of class, can they? _

…_Or perhaps it can mean exactly that. If so, he's going to have to get used to a different way of life. Because I find it hard to think straight when I'm looking into the amazing green of his eyes – like leaves on the trees in the spring. _

_Maker, but he is incredibly well put together. Strong enough where I doubt he will feel intimidated by me, like most men do, and therefore either ignore me or constantly try to one-up me to prove his "masculine superiority." A truly strong man doesn't need to prove anything. Unfortunately, I've met precious few of those in my life. _

_Fenris. Even his name is strong and sure._

_If it were not for the fact that he despises mages, I fear I might make a fool of myself in his presence. It's probably for the best though. I do tend to be nothing but trouble for those closest to me._

_X_

_I couldn't help myself. I needed to know more about him, so I visited him in his appropriated mansion. He was drinking an expensive red wine, straight from the bottle. At first it looked like he was intending to get drunk, but after talking to him, I think he just was trying to make sense of his past by touching things that triggered memories from when he was still a slave, weighing the difference between now and then._

_Either way, I suspect the alcohol was responsible for how willing he was to speak with me. _

_The more I hear about this Denarius, the more I become conflicted. A large part of me would revel in ensuring he is destroyed slowly and painfully, while I watched. But would that really help anything? It wouldn't give Fenris back his memories. It wouldn't take away his pain. The desire to revel in another's pain is never something good, never to be indulged. _

_Certainly the man must die – if only to prevent him from doing this to someone else. But instead of delaying and planning it thoroughly, it would be better to happen swiftly – for justice, not revenge._

_Talking to Fenris can be a struggle in futility. Does he truly believe that every mage will turn into a Denarius if left to their own devices? _

_This thought disturbs me probably more than it should, and leaves me wanting to argue with him. He's both intelligent and thoughtful; I think I could probably have a conversation with him on any topic OTHER than the politics and philosophy of magic. But that just makes me want to talk to him about it more. _

_It is true that power corrupts. But there are powers to be had both with and without magic. Does he truly not see that all power has the potential to corrupt – and this is no different for mages than for Templars and religious leaders? _

_Magic is not something granted to you by a demon – but the ability to do magic does make you more susceptible to their influence. And I'm not really seeing anyone arguing that a mage who has been possessed by a demon is anything other than an abomination. But it seems to me, those who remain vigilant against that threat, are only as likely to be corrupted by their power as anyone else with non-magical power is likely to be corrupted by their own. Not everyone who is given power and/or authority abuses it. _

_What is it that makes some people fall so easily into corruption through power, anyway? It would be easy to say that it's tied to selfishness. But look at Meredith. Her purpose is to try to protect the innocent – it's not selfish desire. Yet it is apparent by the way the mages here are treated like animals, like criminals – locked in the Gallows and not even allowed out to visit with their family – that she has taken her power too far. Mages are not treated with such hostility in other Circles. She has abused her power here out of fear of what a few corrupt mages MAY do. _

_The sad part is, that this fear may be the very thing that causes the problem. The mage feels trapped and helpless and so turns to corruption, when just a small amount of tolerance may have averted the situation in the first place. She believes – as Fenris claims – that it is inevitable for mages to eventually become corrupt. But is it inevitable in and of itself, or only because she believes it and her actions encourage the response? _

_If Fenris' fears are truly justified, then will *I* someday stray over the line? Will I start to crave power if I manage to reclaim our noble status? I would like to think that will not happen. That *I* would never do something like that. That I'm only doing all this to make mother happy. I don't know that I wish to admit this to Fenris ever, but the truth is, I cannot be certain. I don't know if anyone can._

_If I ever do get back our title, will that be enough? Will I start to act like some snotty noble?_

_Perhaps the answer lies in knowing you have friends who care enough to stop you._

_I'm pretty sure if I lost it, Aveline would kick my ass. And she could probably get Varric to help her. _

_Plus, I'm positive that Fenris would do whatever he needed to stop someone who he truly saw as a threat to others who were less fortunate._

_Hm. That's just another good reason to keep him close at hand then, to keep me in line. As if my need to debate with him weren't enough._

_X_

_Funny how I ended that last entry. It seems I now repeat myself. Another reason. He knows about the Qunari. He can speak to them in terms they understand. He is truly a fascinating man._

_We were hired by a miserable lying little dwarf to "handle a task for the Arishok." But when we completed it, it turned out that there had been no deal. If Fenris hadn't been there to speak on our behalf, I'm not certain how it would have turned out. _

_It's not that I'm scared of the Qunari – more that I just can't understand the way they think. They don't have freedom there. Each member of the Qun has a role assigned to them at birth. They cannot grow beyond it. But the strange part, to me, is that they don't wish to. They accept their roles and are actually happy to know their place._

_This seems horrifying to me. If I were not able to decide for myself who and what I wanted to be – I would feel trapped. _

_I was going to write "like a slave," but I don't want to use that phrase flippantly. I don't truly know what it IS like to be a slave. You can only know that if you have been one._

_Perhaps this is the reason that I find myself compelled to seek Fenris out regularly. It's not that I'm insanely attracted to him. (Or not just that.) But that the more I learn about him, the more I want to learn. He impresses me at every turn. _

_If only I could get him to admit that things aren't as black and white as he would have you believe when it comes to mages and power. Or at least that mages aren't the only power worth worrying about. I am determined to not let it slide. I'm going to continue to debate with him until I can get him to at least concede ONE point._

_It will keep me on my toes, at least._

_X_

_Back from our expedition to Sundermount. Who would have guessed that Flemeth would be able to reconstitute herself out of that locket she had me carry?_

_I… don't really know what to make of that one. "Witch of the Wilds." I know she has her own agenda. That much is certain. And she has more power than any mage I've ever met. More than any three mages combined that I've ever met. Even Fenris had no idea what to make of her!_

_Still, she doesn't seem to be using it to oppress anyone. I… think I'm just going to reserve judgment on this. Not like there's anything I can do about it anyway. I really hope I don't ever have to encounter her ever again, actually._

_I was truly surprised by the request of the Dalish Keeper to take her First with us. Merrill. An outcast among the outcasts. What does it even take for the Dalish to kick out one of their own? Marethari said she was welcome to stay, but you could tell that all the other clansmen were eagerly awaiting Merrill's departure. _

_Was it the fact that she uses blood magic? Or is that common among the Dalish and it was something worse? I'll want to watch her closely. And hope that Fenris doesn't decide to kill her in her sleep for the good of us all._

_It's so odd. You'd never look at her and think "blood mage." She's such a strange little thing. Awkward. It's kind of endearing, while at the same time it makes you just cock your head in confusion. Has she NEVER had any friends? She seems to know nothing about how to get along with people. _

_She's just so strange. And the things she says – I'm sure 90% of all the people she meets probably take great offense, even though it's clear she isn't trying to be offensive she's just… clueless. Maybe she really doesn't understand the dangers of blood magic. Maybe she's never had anyone to care enough to keep her from it._

_If ever anyone could benefit from having friends to show her how to behave, it's this one. _

_And she seems genuine enough. Kind of cute, too – in a lost, helpless waif kind of way._

_Although helpless, she isn't. In a fight, she is capable of serious damage. And that's without the blood magic. She uses some nature-based magic that I've never even seen before. I think she'll be good to have backing us up, if we get into a tight spot. So long as she keeps the blood out of it._

_X_

_Met an apostate mage/Warden today. His name is Anders, and apparently, he fought alongside the Hero of Ferelden. He works as a healer in Darktown, helping people whenever he can, living off of a pittance. He comes across as completely charming._

_Kind to strangers, caring, loves kittens – to the point where EVERYONE teases him about it – not hard to look at, and determined to help others in need._

_When he asked for my assistance in helping a fellow mage in need, I agreed. And when I saw his friend had been made tranquil – even though the Templars admitted he had been found guilty of no crime other than planning a visit outside the Circle! – I started to think that maybe my initial distrust for his smooth style was unjustified._

_And then, the demon that has possessed him came out._

_He claims it is a spirit – a kind spirit. A spirit of Justice. _

_The story he told, it was easy to understand why he let the spirit into him. But… Even if the spirit started off with good intentions, it is not so hard to understand that living inside a human, with human weaknesses included... Well, if Anders has been altered by the merging, wouldn't it stand to reason that Justice had changed as well? Because what I saw in there seemed less about Justice and more about Vengeance. Even if I could grudgingly accept that there could be a spirit of Justice, Vengeance would have to be a demon._

_This may be just an exercise in philosophy, but what are demons, anyway? Who is to say that demons don't all start off as kind spirits and then through one reason or another – perhaps even similar reasons to what turns people into power-hungry tyrants – they become warped and shift from kind beings into these demons. We don't know. It's as good an explanation as any other for where demons come from._

_Or, it could be that some spirits turn bad and others don't, just the way some people turn bad and others don't. I really don't know._

_I don't want to assume the worst of everyone I meet._

_But I don't want to assume it's all going to be bunnies and roses either. I think the safest stance is to remain vigilant around Anders at all times._

_Maybe being a friend will make the difference in keeping him from going down the wrong path. Well, I shall try at least._

_X_

_Finally found the apostate, half-elven mage from the Alienage._

_I understand not wanting to go to the prison that is the Circle here, that is for certain. His mother sent me to find him, to bring him back to the Templars. But would that be the best thing for him?_

_Of course, running off on his own was obviously a very bad idea. He ended up caught by slavers! We pulled his ass out of the fire and sent him off to study with the Dalish. They know how to train mages, it is part of his heritage, and frankly, it was what he wanted. Besides, I'm pretty sure Marethari will be able to handle keeping him in line._

_I wonder if Fenris would have found this to be an acceptable compromise. _

_Geh! Why does every single thought lead back to him lately? I must miss our debates. I wonder if he'll be willing to accompany me on my next task. I bet he's been grateful to be free of mages though. He's probably not even noticed that it's been 12 days since he's had to deal with me._

_X_

_Met a very…um… let's just call her "friendly"… woman at the Hanged Man tonight. Former pirate and smuggler. I don't care much for those trades – not that I really should speak against smuggling, since that was one of the professions willing to help get me access to Kirkwall in the first place. _

_This woman asked us to help her recover some lost merchandise. We helped her out and were surprised by the ferocity of those who attempted to ambush her. She fights well, though, and has offered to join forces with our little ragtag team, should we ever need her._

_She seems somewhat lonely to me. Perhaps that's why she comes across so strong. And she flirts! Practically asked me to bed her straight out! She's pretty, for certain, and I have met many people who would have called me crazy for not just enjoying a night with her. But, even though people think women who are tough should just jump at pleasure when it comes their way, I want to wait for something that means something more. I would not sleep with someone that I didn't truly love. That's just not for me._

_Oddly enough, when she started flirting with me, I found myself cataloging arguments I could make to prove my points to Fenris. I wonder if romance makes me combative – of if combat makes me feel romantic. _

_Either way, I do look forward to making some of those points the next time I see him._

_X_

_I have met a Prince._

_Just because his family was betrayed and murdered does not change the fact that he is a prince, right? He posted on the Chantry board, asking for help taking out the mercenaries who murdered his family. I don't have anything against mercenaries in general, they're just doing what they were hired to do. But you need to be selective in which assignments you actually accept. Straight out murder? Not so much. Okay, when I worked as a mercenary, I did have assassination assignments. But I never accepted any where those being removed from their position were not tyrants. The Haels ruled Starkhaven justly. And these mercenaries didn't stop at just the ruler – they took out the entire family, all the servants. It was a massacre._

_So I didn't feel badly when I brought that massacre back to them._

_Prince Sebastian seemed surprised when I told him it was done. I think it was a let down. No real wonder. He probably had months of built up fury, and then, it was finished, and he wasn't even involved in the process really. That would be hard to deal with. But hey, I'm a problem solver._

_I told him he was more attractive than I expected for a prince and he blushed. He's been living in the Chantry for a long time, so I don't know if he's ever had a woman compliment his looks. I actually wasn't really trying to flirt with him, but he took it that way, so I immediately backed down. His reaction was strong and all I could think of was Fenris – and it just didn't feel right. I actually felt guilty. I can't help but laugh at myself. I guess I'm really more attracted to him than I had thought. Much good that does me._

_X_

_Today was… embarrassing. We were investigating the disappearance of a woman, which led us to the brothel she frequented on a regular basis. While there, the elf this woman spent time with tried to encourage me to buy some of his time. Not really what I was hoping for from the day. Meanwhile, Varric, Aveline, and Fenris were just sitting back watching – laughing at my obvious discomfiture. Varric and Aveline would have been enough._

_Honestly! The creature was so effeminate. Do they really think I would find that attractive?_

_We followed up on the leads we'd been provided, and from what we found, I don't think the woman is still among the living. But we were at least able to give her husband back her wedding ring._

_X_

_Followed up on a letter requesting help on the Wounded Coast today and wound up working for a Templar, if you can believe it, chasing down apostate mages._

_Actually, when I agreed to the task, I hadn't actually decided whether to bring them back or to simply help them. It's not like that Templar would ever know. But when I did find them, they were being led by a blood mage. It made me glad I hadn't brought Merrill along. Although maybe she would have been able to see more clearly the dangers of her dabbling in blood magic if she'd seen what their leader did._

_The thing is, I can't say that I think blood magic, just of itself, is necessarily evil. Blood is life force. When a mage uses magic, they use some of their own force and lyrium, to shape things to their will. If they use their own life force to do so, it hurts no one but themselves. And since it is their will, the force to make that shaping should come from themselves. _

_Where I see a problem is that you can take blood from someone else to perform blood magic. With or without their consent. And that's when it becomes evil – an abuse of power._

_But in reality, it's more slippery than even that. When you start to look at blood as a source of power, rather than something provided by the Maker to provide the most precious gift of life, then people stop being people and start being nothing but chattel. And then you have Tevinter. _

_Is it inevitable? I don't know. But there does need to be a line drawn somewhere, and drawing it so that any blood magic is considered vile does seem safer than waiting for someone to get hurt._

_And today's events certainly do agree with that thinking. Because even when the apprentices tried to talk him out of violence, the blood mage was not willing to back down. He was an abomination. We had no choice but to kill him. _

_After that, the remaining mages seemed reasonably contrite. They simply begged us not to turn them over to the Templars here – spoke of abuses, saying the Templars had been making them DO things. When I looked over at Fenris he looked pale. Paler than normal. I wanted to say, "See. Power corrupts no matter whether the wielder has magic or not," but I just couldn't do it. He saw. I know he did._

_I stated that I would let them leave, but that they needed to get out of Kirkwall and never return. Fenris didn't say a word against that suggestion. _

_And so we left the caves. With all the blood covering us from the blood mage's demise, it was easy to convince the Templar that we'd had to slaughter all the mages left in the caves. We told them that the leader had escaped toward the coast, and the Templars took off to chase the lead. I think the thought that most of the mages were dead left them satisfied – they're just as happy to have mages dead as they are to have them locked in the Circle._

_Still, I think it was a blow to Fenris, seeing that here, those in the Circle are essentially the slaves of the Templars. I know Tevinter's method of allowing the mages to self-govern isn't right. But this isn't working either. _

_If both sides of the argument were looking for a solution together, maybe we could actually come up with something that DOES work._

_But sometimes it feels that I may as well be wishing that the Blight had never come to Ferelden._

_X_

_What a way to prove the point that not only demons can cause people to go power crazy and evil!_

_The Magistrate sent us after a crazed killer – who just so happened to be his son. The psychopath was convinced that it wasn't his fault – that he was possessed by a demon. But there were no demons present inside him. He just liked killing and the power he felt as he held the life of another in his hands._

_He was a rabid dog that needed to be put down. So we did._

_X_

_We killed a dragon today._

_We were hired to go find out why there were problems in a mine called "The Bone Pit." Apparently it's a favored breeding ground for dragons. They were all over the place. _

_It was amazing how well we all worked together. The battle was exhilarating. _

_When we're all working together, we can accomplish so much. It is a good feeling._

_And best of all, I wound up owning half the rights to the mine. Granted my partner is a bigoted weasel who I'd much rather kick in the balls than have a conversation with – but hey! He'll be doing the bulk of the work, and hopefully I'll only have to deal with him maybe twice a year or so. For a poor refugee like me, this is truly a step up in the world._

_X_

_Tomorrow we're going to leave for the Deep Roads. I have to decide who to take with me._

_Do I bring my sibling? If I don't, I'll never hear the end of it. If I do, mother will give me grief. I guess the question here is who will complain the loudest about it._

_Aveline has a city to guard. No need to bring her into this._

_I could bring Anders with us – he's got skills in healing that might be beneficial. But if we encounter darkspawn, I'd rather have someone that is a fighter. We can use bandages for most injuries, and those that can't be treated with bandages, I fear Anders' healing won't help anyway. Then again, he's a Grey Warden. He should be able to sense any darkspawn coming…_

_Merrill's good in a fight. But somehow the thought of her in the Dark Roads is too incongruous. She's a Dalish elf, for the love of the Maker. Putting her in Dwarven territory just seems like asking a cat to swim. _

_And Fenris… Fenris would be good to have with us. I've never met anyone as fierce in battle, nor as dependable. But it's not his problem. Is it right to bring him into this kind of danger just because I like fighting beside him? No. _

_Whoever I leave behind, I'll make sure to ask Aveline to watch over and take care of them for me, in case I don't come back. Not like they need me watching over them. But I don't like leaving them all alone._

_X_

_We all made it out alive. More or less._

_I lost my last sibling to the taint of the darkspawn. Thank the Maker I brought Anders with us, because he brought us to the Grey Wardens. Apparently, the joining involves overcoming the darkspawn taint. But they wouldn't let us stay for the ritual. So by now, either I'm an only child or I am related to the Grey Wardens. Neither is very satisfying. Mother has taken to blaming me for everything. Not that I wasn't already blaming myself. Everything I love, I hurt._

_I can only take solace in the fact that I was at least trying to do the right thing. I did not deliberately attempt to hurt either Bethany or Carver. It was the darkspawn that attacked them. I did not create the darkspawn. I am proud of how fiercely they both have fought back against the blighted creatures. _

_It must be 10 times harder for Varric. I can't imagine how it would feel to have my sibling lock me in a thaig to die – all for a bit of gold. I hope he knows that I will back him up on anything he needs to resolve this. Not just to find and get a little retribution, but to help him get over the betrayal he must feel. Varric is truly a good friend. He has a heart of gold. It saddens me that his own brother never realized that. Bertrand is nothing but pitiable._

_I do worry about that idol that Bertrand stole before locking us in down there. There was something not right about it. I fear it will only cause problems._

_Well, either way, the expedition did exactly what we needed it to. We were able to raise enough funds to purchase back the family estate. So mother can live as she was meant to. _

_X_

_Things have been quiet. We've been settling in to our new home – which is Mother's old home. It's strange to have servants._

_It's stranger to have nothing to do._

_I spend a lot of time at the Hanged Man, playing cards with Varric or sparring with Isabela._

_And I make it a point to see Fenris at least once every day. After all, if I'm not there to annoy him with political debates, he might get bored._

_Or actually be able to pass a day peacefully. And I just can't have that. For some reason, I don't feel quite alive if I haven't had my daily verbal sparring with him. _

_Well, that and our reading lessons. _

_It really does show me that I only have a very surface understanding of how heinous slavery really is. He wasn't allowed to READ! For that alone, Denarius deserves to die. I hope I'm there to see it._

_Fenris is truly one of the most intelligent men I've met. He learns everything so quickly that just watching him as he studies has become one of my favorite pastimes. The candlelight makes his hair shine like filigree silver and those green eyes of his absorb everything so hungrily._

_He truly is amazing._

_X_

_It's been a year since I first met Fenris now, and I've realized that I am a complete and utter fool._

_I had been called away to work on a mission for Aveline, and so hadn't seen him in several days. When I got back, the first thing I did was run over to the Hightown Estates to pay him a visit, see how he was doing. And I found Isabela there, flirting with him._

_I couldn't understand why seeing that made me so angry. I ended up just nodding at them both and saying, "Just wanted to let you know I'm back in town. Well, I have business. See you later," turning on my heel and leaving._

_As I was stalking away, I kept wondering why Isabela was there. I mean, I know she flirts with anyone – and Fenris is simply beautiful beyond the capacity to describe… And then it hit me. I was behaving like a jealous fool. Like I was some farmwife who'd walked into the market and found her husband dallying with a bar tavern._

_But I'm not Fenris' wife. I'm not Fenris' anything._

_And that's when I realized exactly how much of a fool I truly am._

_I cannot spend a day away from him without missing him. I enjoy his company more than anyone else's. It doesn't matter if we're in agreement or arguing, just talking with him makes my day. Being near him makes me feel as if the world is right and being apart from him makes everything seem wrong._

_There can be only one conclusion: I am in love with him._

_As soon as I thought this, everything made more sense. How could I not have realized I am in love with him? I spend every spare minute I have with him. My heart stopped beating the moment I met him. When I close my eyes, I can relive the moment he entered my life with perfect clarity. Oh, Maker. Love at first sight? I truly am hopeless. _

_And that's the whole point, why I am such an incredible fool: He will never love me in return. _

_Even so, the thought of living without him is unbearable. I will remain by his side as long as I can. It doesn't matter if he doesn't love me, if I can just be near him. _

_Someday, he'll probably have had enough. Someday, his need to be free will take him away. But I'll fight for him until then. I don't care if it means I have to die for his freedom, I will stay beside him until he leaves me. If the last thing I were to ever see were his silver-green eyes, it would be the best death I can imagine._

_I am truly a fool._

_X_

_Who would have thought that I had made a favorable impression on the Arishok. I didn't think it was possible for him to view anyone not of the Qun as anything other than an annoyance. _

_And yet, he called on me to track down that lying maggot of a dwarf, who apparently wasn't satisfied with those adjectives, but had to throw "thieving" and "idiot" into the equation as well. _

_He stole what he THOUGHT was a recipe for explosives. But was in reality a recipe for a gas that turns everyone except the Qunari into raving, homicidal maniacs._

_I'll leave the implications of that for another day because, truly, that thought is more frightening than the image of Varric in a dress._

_X_

_My mother is dead. Killed by a psychotic blood mage._

_On a day like today, I am tempted to think Fenris is right. _

_I know not every mage is to blame. But for today… Can I blame them instead of blaming myself for being too late yet again to save someone I love? _

_The only family I have left now is Gamlen._

_I will be grateful for the chance to kill things today._

_X_

_Today, Fenris faced one of the chief tormentors from his time as a slave. I refuse to honor her name enough to even write it down. May her soul be lost forever for what she did to him._

_She tried to bargain for her life with information about his sister. He promised that if she told him everything she knew, he'd let her live. Then once she told him, he killed her._

_I was glad to see her die. Glad that he got the chance to kill her. And sad for his pain._

_My heart hurt for him. I know that killing her is something he's probably dreamed of. But the fact that he knows that he promised to let her go and then immediately broke that promise… well, he probably feels poorly because of that. Not that that CREATURE deserved anything else. I would have done the same._

_Even so, having her dead must be a monumental thing. A relief and a hole in his life at the same time. I understood why he left afterwards. Still, I was very worried about him. _

_Is it wrong that I wanted to hold him and comfort him, tell him that everything would be alright? It's stupid of me, I know. He doesn't need *me* to take care of him. He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself. _

_The other day, when we made the decision to go after this bitch, he told me I was beautiful. I think that was what made me slip and flirt with him. I suggested… _

_It doesn't matter. He turned me down. Gave me the "It's not you, it's me," speech. I know he wasn't lying about his markings and there being pain, or about his not trusting anyone enough to ever let them close. But when he suggested that he might consider allowing me that chance! It was too much to hope for. _

_Maybe he thought I wasn't serious – which is why he even suggested it could be possible. Because he backed down quickly enough when I told him I would be willing to try anything for him._

"_Perhaps another time."_

_Those words make my heart do triple time in my chest. If only they were true._

_Fenris. Where are you? Will you go after your sister now? If you were to ask me to accompany you there – even if it were only as a companion in arms, even if it meant my death – I would join you. _

_X_

_I can't believe Merrill would be so incredibly stupid as to deal with a demon._

_Fenris would be laughing his ass off at me if he knew I'd even thought that. He'd say, "She's a mage. Of course she would do such a thing."_

_How could someone so innocent seeming think that taking the advice of a trapped demon was a good idea? Yes she calls it a spirit. But… spirit? Demon? What is the difference, really? _

_Even so, I do think it was good that she cleaned the mirror so that it couldn't infect anyone else. After hearing the story of how it nearly killed two people who happened across it – just by their touching it! – I couldn't help but think that cleaning it was the right thing to do. If two people stumbled upon it once, leaving it as it was would only mean that someday more people would happen across it. Cleaning it so that it couldn't infect others does make sense._

_But if a spirit encourages you to do BLOOD magic to complete a task, maybe you should consider that the spirit might not be telling the truth? What if it had just made the mirror more dangerous? Can she really be so naïve? Should I trust her at all?_

_Well, look at me speculating. Perhaps Fenris is rubbing off on me. _

_I'm going to hope that she can fix the mirror entirely – it would be good to help the Dalish reclaim their heritage, so that the world can become a place of four equal races, with none subjugated under the other. I'll help her when I can. But I'll keep an eye out for any more blood magic or communing with spirits. And I'm not going to let Fenris know that I'm counting on his skepticism to keep us all safe._

_Just one more thing he doesn't need to know. At least I've gotten pretty good at hiding how I feel about him. Aveline knows. She's always been good at picking up on these things. She picked up on it shortly after we got back from the deep roads. I'd been fretting about it fairly regularly and she pinned me down while we were out on a patrol. But she at least only teases me about it in private. At first, I think she was worried. But now, she says Fenris is good for me. _

_I'm not sure if she means that it's good for me to have something I desire so badly yet can never have, to keep me grounded, or if she means that it's good for me to have someone who argues with me even more than she does._

_X_

_One night is better than none. That is what I tell myself._

_He may not love me, but at least I have that memory now. His lips, his hands. The taste of his skin. The heat from his markings against my lips, my tongue._

_After he left last night, I drank until I passed out. I did not wake until after the sun went down tonight. Then, I joined Varric for a night of drinking at the Hanged Man. There was not enough ale in the world to dim the memory of how he felt, to make me not ache to feel it again. I know this because I did try. I think it took both Aveline and Donnic to carry me home._

_I try to tell myself I'm lucky. Some people never know the touch of the person they love. I have. I may never know it again, but at least I have that. _

_I knew he would never love me. So why did his leaving hurt so much? Why did it surprise me? I had told myself not to hope for more, and yet I did anyway. _

_It's foolishness. This memory will have to be enough. I want to forget. I never want to let this memory go._

_Life is pain – isn't that how the saying goes? I will hold this pain close to my heart. I will never touch another man the way I touched you, Fenris. Never._

_X_

_I'm late._

_I didn't think about it before, but the timing was right. I could be._

_If I am, I think I may move back to Ferelden. Because there I could raise our child and he'd never have to live with the shame of having fathered a child to a mage family, to a woman he doesn't love. He'd never have to know._

_What surprises me is how excited by the prospect I am. To have a piece of him within me, proving that for one night, he knew and could feel how much I love him. It would be the greatest gift._

_I wonder if our child would have his eyes?_

_X_

_I will not be moving to Ferelden. There is no need._

_It feels like I've lost everything worth having. _

_I should have known better. It is as I told Aveline: I am destined to be alone. _

_X_

_I will be entering the fade to help Feynriel combat the demons plaguing him. I know Fenris doesn't approve, but at least I know he'll be there to keep me from turning into that which I hate. Even now, he is the one person I trust over all others. Somehow, I doubt that will ever change._

X

That was the end of the book, the last sentence on the last page.

Why had Anders given him this? Where had he gotten it? Was it real? Had she really written all this?

He remembered them entering the fade and fighting Feynriel's demons. That was two and a half years ago now. She must have run out of space and started a new journal.

She had… thought she'd been pregnant. With his child. He had never known. Had never even considered the possibility.

Why would he have? These things don't happen to a slave.

She had wanted his child. She viewed having his child as a gift. One that was lost when she found out she wasn't.

What the hell was he doing? Why had he been so stupid? She was the best thing that had ever happened to him in his entire life. And he had ruined it beyond repair!

"I'm here, Fenris." The words came to him unbidden.

She was, though. She was still here. Wasn't she?

The next time she came to visit him, he would tell her. Tell her everything.

He wasn't brave enough to go to her. But if she came to him…


	14. Chapter 14

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 14

A week passed.

Aveline and Varric had come to try to talk him into moving out, getting on with his life. "We just thought we'd see if we could change your mind about moving out of this dump," Varric stated glibly. "After all, there's nothing to tie you to this place any more – you're free. No need to brood in the dark. It's time to move on."

"I've kept the seneschal's attention away from this place, but I fear my influence in this matter is running out. And the best you'll be able to hope for then is being run out as a squatter."

"I appreciate what you've done Aveline, but there's really no where else for me to go."

And then, Hawke arrived. Thank the Maker. Varric and Aveline exchanged another look.

"You talk to him, Hawke. I've had my fill for today." They walked out, Varric continuing to mumble about how he was free now, he should live like it.

Inside the room, Fenris spoke to his new guest. "They don't understand," he commented. "Yes, I am free. Denarius is dead. Yet, it doesn't feel like it should." He looked at her intensely, wishing that she understood – nothing felt like it should. How could it without her?

"Seems like you should be dancing for joy," she commented lightly.

He grimaced. "I would have thought so. I thought if I didn't need to run and fight to stay alive, I would finally be able to live as a free man does. But how is that? My sister is gone. And I have nothing. Not even an enemy." In his head he heard her words again, "I'm here, Fenris."

Did he really not know how she felt? The book she'd read made it clear that he did not. He didn't even know how much she loved him. "Maybe that just means there's nothing holding you back."

How did he tell her? How could he make up for it all? "Mmm. An interesting thought. It's just difficult to overlook the stain that magic has left on my life. If I seem bitter, it's not without cause." He thought, 'Bitter? It's not a strong enough word. But with you, I could grow beyond that.' "Perhaps it *is* time to move forward. I just don't know where that leads. Do you?"

This was a good opening. She'd take it. "Wherever it leads, I hope it means we'll stay together." Okay. Not as strong as she'd intended, but it was a start.

He turned toward her. Together. Yes. "That is my hope as well."

Denarius was dead. There was nothing tying him down now. He decided it was time to finally be brave. "We have… never discussed what happened between us three years ago."

"You didn't want to talk about it," she evaded.

He looked down, shame at his actions painting his face, clearly. "I felt like a fool. I thought it better if you hated me. I deserve no less. But it isn't better. That night…" He walked toward her. He would risk it all. He had nothing, and therefore, there was nothing for him to lose. "I remember your touch as if it were yesterday. I should have asked your forgiveness long ago. I hope you can forgive me now."

He was standing so close to her – closer than he had allowed himself in years.

"I…" she swallowed, "need to understand why you left, Fenris."

Eyes crinkled in regret, he replied, "I've thought about the answer a thousand times." He wondered if he could even begin to explain. "The pain, the memories it brought up." He looked away thinking, 'were a convenient excuse for me to run away from how much I need you. It was all,' and continued the thought aloud, "it was too much. I was a coward."

Still not looking at her, he continued, "If I could go back, I would stay. And tell you how I felt."

"What… would you have said?" she inquired breathily.

Finally, he turned back to look at her, his eyes boring into her own and he spoke, "Nothing could be worse than the thought of living without you."

"I understand. I've always understood," she spoke, and continued the thought in her head, 'Living without you is the one thing I could not bear.'

He leaned in closer. "If there is a future to be had, I will walk into it gladly at your side." He leaned in and kissed her.

It put his memories to shame. She was everything he needed. Everything.

He was kissing her. He wanted to stay by her side. He wanted to be with her. And oh, she loved him so much. She needed to say it.

And so, she pulled back enough to look at him square in the eyes, while not pulling out of his embrace. "Fenris, I have to ask you one thing. Would you…" she worried her bottom lip a bit as she looked away, and then she looked back and continued. "Would you still be willing to stay by my side if you knew…" she took a deep breath and finished quickly, "that I'm in love with you?"

He pulled back further as he jerked in shock. It was one thing to read words that she had supposedly written. But to hear her actually say it! He thought his heart might burst. "You… love me?"

She looked away and then pulled out of his arms. Okay. So that didn't go the way she'd hoped. She wrapped her arms around herself and walked over to the window.

"It's okay," she quickly backpedalled. "I knew from the first, when we first met, that I was simply being fooli-"

And then he was holding her and kissing her more thoroughly than she'd ever been kissed before. He broke and whispered. "Maker, but you are beautiful. Do you have any idea what you do to me?"

She threw her arms around him and kissed him again. And then she pulled back and whispered, "I love you, Fenris."

His eyes closed for a moment and then, with an urgency in his voice that she couldn't deny, he said, "Hawke, I need you to promise me something."

Breathlessly, she looked up into his silver-green eyes. "Anything, Fenris."

He breathed out and closed his eyes to get himself back under control before he continued. "Promise me that you'll always be free. I…" He swallowed. "I can't stand the thought of you as anything other than proud and free. I would do anything to ensure you stay that way always."

Smiling, she replied, "I'll do my best."

"Good. Then I'm certain it will always be so."


End file.
